I have become soft in my contentment.

I think now upon the days of yore and I can feel how much the anger within me helped to fuel the warrior.  Anger against my peers, anger against the world around me, the system as it ground the hapless souls it was fed into mulch, but most importantly anger against myself.  That anger gav eme fire, and the fire, kinesis which allowed movement and motion and change.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but change nevertheless.

Today I feel no anger.  And for a long time now I have not felt that fire burning deep within me.  It is as if the embers of that flame have long since died, and only a cold vaccuum remains.  A place of ash, silence, and defeat.

Defeat?  Aye.  For I see now in my minds eye what was, what is, and what could have been, and I feel a tinge of sorrow.  I have lost, I have let go, and I have quit of things that I should have once striven for, what I would have once lay my life as sacrifice to achieve.  But now there is not even poetry within me to sing the praises of that which I held dear.  Can I find the words to tell of the beauty I beheld?  To know the truth as I had seen it?

These words you will never read and yet I write them… write them for I must.  I must know if there is more to me than just a man defeated.  More than just a coward, one who knew and yet strove not.  I do not deserve acolade or praise.  I have fought but not as hard as I should have fought.  I know not why.  My trength and courage failed me and I do not understand…. ah, but we shall see.

Do I hate?  Do I love?  Contentment is my enemy.  For truly I am content – I live nicely, comfortably.  I enjoy my job, though it has its difficulties.  I like my life as it stands, though I know it is imperfect.  It is not imperfect enough – or is it?  That the questions plague me, that the thoughts stir within me, seem to belie the statement.

Ah but ’tis beauty that calls me, your beauty that thrilled me so and causes my imagination soar.  But time was so inconvenient and life and fate had a different path.  And I… as not my best.  Could have done more.  Should have done more.

Is it too late?  Can I do more?

Will I do more?

I hear Obama’s cutting the funding for abstinence-only sex ed programs.  Good for him.  It always struck me as naive and self serving to have abstinence taught in schools.  Naive in that it obviously has done nothing to curb the teenage pregnancy rate.  But self serving in that it takes the responsibility that is the parent’s and once more places it with the teacher.  And teachers – no offense to any of you who are teachers, you’re wonderful people and do your jobs well – have simply proven to be the least reliable guardians of children’s virtue and morality since…. well I won’t say Catholic priests since they’re all scandaled   Teachers aren’t supposed to be raising children that aren’t their own.  They’re there to help, yes, and be authority figures, sure (and that includes a small measure of responsibility for the example they are setting), but the ultimate responsibility of teaching your kids morals?  That should be on the family.

Not that I’m saying sex is immoral – there’s just levels of moderation taht we should be allowed to consider.

Also, the Texas board of education was voting on the age of the universe last week.  I guess we really did learn nothing from Scopes v. Monkey.

And gay marriage seems to have beaten marijuana for “thing to be unprohibited first”.  I’m actually surprised by this, as well as somewhat disappointed.  My friend Lee and I had a great idea for a new pizza delivery service.  There’s stsill a ways to go, though, so we’ll have to wait to see if m.j. pulls a last minute slide towards antiprohibition before gay marriage.  One thing is for sure, though – soon, both issues will be a thing of the past.

I may well be running a con, and a pretty good one at that. We shall see.