Maybe once was enough for this traveler.

There are things, they say, you should try at least once. Then maybe that once was enough. “I only regret I have one life to give.” Once. Breathe.

This post shall be confused. Confusing? Yes. But confused: there is conflict. Shadows flitter within and I remember what the shadows are, what they might mean. And yet when the eye turns upon them they return to the ether from which all shadows come: empty, cold, barren, alone. Figments. Conflict.

All that is left within is the shadow of a thought. A fleeting memory that escapes my grasp. Maybe that is for the best? One forgets the feeling of warmth in the cold, so too is this. One simply forgets: grows apart, grows ever and ever more hard, more capable of living without.

No man is an island, they say. What am I? (I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.)

There is irony in the fact that I’ve spent a little over $100,000 to become a member of the world’s most reviled profession. To become a member of one of the most reviled subsets of the most reviled professions. There is irony in this.

No man is an island?

My routine is simple these days. Wake up, shower, brush my teeth, check my email, go to class. Four hours of review, walk to work. I like work. There’s good people there. It has a very humanizing effect on me. Maybe that’s why I do what I do?

(Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters – nothing really matters to me.)

I finish work. I ride the T. I check my mail – nothing but bills. Those days are gone now. I go in my studio apartment and frown at its state. I vow to clean up, remember I don’t have any time. Maybe next weekend. I hit the books for another hour, unless its Friday. I hit the books but I don’t really learn anything. I just think. There’s time to do things later.

Always time to do things later.

I watch old television or movies until midnight. I go to sleep. At least I can sleep easy these days. I might wake up at three or four in the morning for no reason, but I can fall asleep easy.

I wake up the next day and its the same routine.

I’m okay with this routine. The routine itself doesn’t bother me. The studying sucks but it’s one of those things you live with. You have to do it because otherwise you won’t pass. If you don’t pass the bar you can’t be a lawyer, can’t live your life. Your life? Gotta pass the bar. The work is good, and challenging, and keeps me from ripping my hair out.

The people are good. She’s cute and funny and laughs at my jokes. I feel oafish around her, and that makes me smile sometimes, but I forget just as easily. It’s not real. I shake my head and get back into the work. It’s not real.

Shadows flit inside. Maybe once was enough.

(Es mi situacion, una desolacion…)

I’m not even really cooking anymore. I love to cook. I love to eat too. It’s all an extension of the other I suppose. The studying’s starting to get to me. I don’t know if I can make it.

Practice exam: do worse than I feared but better than I thought. Practice makes perfect. We’re starting to understand. Maybe once will be enough.

(The door is open but there’s no sun shining through – dark heart scarring darker still but there’s no sun shining through.)

I close my eyes and get ready to sleep. The dreams will wash over me soon, taking me away from all of this. I won’t remember them when I wake up: shadows, flitting, fleeing, draining. The dreams are gone when I awake. (She lay beside me – but she’ll be there when I’m gone.) I wish I could remember.

Once really wasn’t enough. But it feels like that’s all I’ll get.

A single tear forms at the edge of my eyes and I bat it away.

It’s time to wake up.

I know, I know, it’s getting passe.  But really, there’s not all that much going on with me lately.

This blog post details in much more defined ways why I dislike 4th edition, and why Sam really likes it.  Surprisingly sane analysis, and much better than the typical “4th edition sucks!” posts you’ll find around.

I’m sitting in BARBRI right now and the lecturer speaks exactly like a radio host personality.  I expect him to be busting out the Top Ten Big Hits of Federal Question Jurisdiction any minute now.

Also, this class is a complete waste of my time. I don’t need people to read me an outline to me.  I can read an outline, thank you.  (Even if it is being read in said radio host personality voice.)

Hm.  So I haven’t written in a long time.  This is a thing.

I’ve been busy.  My brain has been occupied by Bar/Bri.  My time has been occupied with both Bar/Bri and working with my old boss Ed for a little extra summer cash.  (I’ve gotten to drive his car all around Boston getting papers for him.  His car is zippy.  It’s fun.  Also lets me get some mileage out of the new GPS I bought.)  I also have a job interview tomorrow.

But these are not the things I’m here to talk about.

A few days ago – just Friday, in fact – Wizards of the Coast came out with 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons.  Yes, this will be a D&D post.  No, I won’t be telling any gaming stories.  I’m talking about the new edition of the game as a system.

Normally I’d write up a formal review, give it a rating between no recommendation to Gold recommendation and move on.  But the truth is?  I don’t honestly think D&D 4th Edition deserves my time and effort.  I managed to get my hands on a copy of each of the books to peruse, and have managed to read them all.  Okay, I skimmed them cover to cover, and read the important nonspecific bits (IE, I didn’t pour through the list of powers that is 90% of the PHB, but I read about powers and attacks and… etc.)  I’m even running Keep on the Shadowfell for the Open Game Night group.

And at the end of the day?  It’s not the second coming of gaming.  (Wouldn’t 3rd edition be the second coming of gaming?  Not the third coming then, I suppose.)  If it were any game other than Dungeons & Dragons it would be completely and totally a non-event.  It’s not a bad system.  It’s just not for me.  (And I hasten to add, they shouldn’t have called it Dungeons & Dragons.  There’s a certain D&Dness to D&D that is completely and totally lacking from 4E.  To me, they should have called it Generic Sword and Sorcerery Game, because it’s just not Dungeons & Dragons.  Too many – in fact, all – of the sacred cows that made D&D D&D were stripped away for no real reason, as these did not really present any problems in gameplay other than, maybe, idiot GMs who don’t know that they can play around with the rules if they wanted to.)

But that’s not why I’m not giving it a recommendation.  I’m not doing so because the marketing and brand teams totally and completely fucked up their jobs.  I remember having arguments with Sam since last year when the announcement came as to whether the game was going to suck or if marketing was just bungling their jobs.  In fact, I believe I’ve written about this before.

But J.D. Wiker has written about it much more eloquently than I think I can currently cohere my thoughts, and so I’ll just let him tell it.

There is no good reason why only 39% of the people polled on ENWorld are not converting to 4E, and only 39% are–except that Wizards failed to convince 39% of their audience that 4E is the optimal choice for D&D players. They could have done a lot more to convince the 3.X audience that sticking with 3.X was a vastly suboptimal choice, but, instead, we got a lot of vague descriptions of rules systems, a lot of clues that had to be pieced together from interviews and message board posts, a few leaks, and no free, online fast-play rules that showcased the best features of the new game.

…

Ultimately, 4E is a completely different game. Throw out what you know about races, classes, skills, feats, spells, magic items, monsters … basically, the whole shebang except rolling the d20. This is a completely new system, with thematic and mechanical similarities, but it isn’t similar enough to do a conversion from 3.X to 4E, like you could with 3.0 to 3.5, or 2.0 to 3.0. In fact, I recall seeing official word from Wizards that there would be no conversion rules; you’ll have to start new characters and new campaigns (or develop the conversion rules yourself).

…

The 3E brand team made it a central goal of the d20 System to indoctrinate the audience in the belief that the d20 System would be all they ever needed: You could play fantasy, modern, future, western, horror, you name it–all without learning a new system. And, judging from the large number of d20 System companies out there exploring fantasy, modern, future, western, horror, you name it: Most of us bought into that. It’s no wonder 39% of the ENWorlders polled said “No thanks” to 4th Edition; they’ve been taught–by Wizards, no less–that if it doesn’t use the rule system they’re already familiar with, then it’s not worth their money. The latest brand team has failed to convince 39% of the audience that that’s no longer true.

There’s more, and I encourage you to check it out, if this is the sort of thing that catches your fancy.

Me, I’ll be sticking happily with 3.5 (or my heavily modified version of 3.5 which my players are beginning to call 3.Alex).  Because it’s the game that brings me what I like, what I want out of a game, and lets me tell the stories that I want to tell.  (I mean, seriously.  We’ve converted it to outer space hard core science fiction.  We can get what we want out of D&D 3rd edition.)