Today was the first day that I felt truly and utterly alone.

It’s funny. I’m not sure what was really different between yesterday and today. Yesterday, I guess, I was just heady and high from the thrill of starting something new, having met a ton of people I liked. Sunday I was just tired from the flight plus I had a bunch of people calling me and keeping me busy. Also, I’ve been exhausted for the past 48 hours.

Tonight I wasn’t really tired. I was excited because I had my first classes today and they went, I think, very well. I bought most of my books and then headed home to get a bit of a rest before getting dinner. I watched some Law & Order while I half dozed, and when I came to it was 6:30. I showered real quick and headed off to the Prudential center. On my way in I had seen a Barnes & Noble there and I wanted to check it out, plus I knew they had good places to eat.

It didn’t really hit me until I was in line at the food court just how solitary my situation was. I remembered doing this very thing – queing a line in a mall to eat – in Bloomington by myself so many times. And then I remembered that I wasn’t in Bloomington, that I would likely never go to the College Mall in my life ever again. After that my thoughts turned corners I don’t wish to rehash here.

But it just struck me as so simply true. I am alone. It takes a certain mindset to do things alone. If you look around you see people always traveling in groups – as I’ve stated before humans are pack animals. We travel in herds of different sizes. Very few people ever do things on their own. Those that do are usually working. Or they have some purpose. But not me. I was just a guy, walking through a mall, seeing if there was anything interesting.

I looked at my phone and wondered if I should call someone. Then I stopped myself. This was an entirely new development. I had no idea how to act solitary. Could it be that in just six months I had forgotten what it was like to be alone?

In retrospect I guess it’s been far longer than six months. I really haven’t been alone since last December, if not further back. Not really alone, the type of alone where you know that you can’t be assured to reach anyone you try to reach out to. There’s always been someone, Amanda, Sarah, Brett, even Kat for a while. To a degree I never asked them to be there, some of them worked their way in sneakily. But I can’t say I didn’t appreciate their presence.

And that was only front line support. Behind them there was an entire support network which I would turn to.

But now, everyone is just a voice over the airwaves, or pixels over IM. Intangible.

I have returned to the world where I need the persona of the Shadowraith, and yet I have forgotten how to wear that mask. I don’t know where he is or where he has gone. A long time ago, I thought that there would be no breaking me and the SW apart, that I would, given time, become the Shadowraith, He-who-is-not. That part of me died a long time ago – the last six months have only made me forget the location of the gravestone.

So I stand now, entirely naked to the solitude. The suit of armor that I once wore is no longer available to me. I’ve forgotten how to use it. And I sit entirely uncertain if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

If he were here, this post would be entirely about my observations while in the mall. About some minute point that nobody would care about, or about the theory I’m working on that modern science disproves the theory that souls continually go through a birth-and-rebirth process until achieving enlightnment (yes, I’m working on the theory, and my research of the spacetime continuum, particularly the arrow of time and the concept of absolute time, seems to currently favor a Judeochristianic viewpoint of life->death.) Instead I lay bare my experiences.

And I still don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. And I’m still looking longingly at my phone, hoping that it rings.

Also, I was attacked by a flying squirrel. I almost entirely forgot about the little salt and pepper bastard but just now remembered that bugger. We were walking across campus on the tour when suddenly out of a trash can, a squirrel just leaps out upon me. I stopped and turned on a heel, barely dodging the rapacious rodent by half an inch. I’m pretty sure it was attempting to shoot for the bush behind me, but still. Had I not been startled, there would have been a squirrely collision.

I headed to the reception, figuring I might as well make an appearance and see if some people show up. To be entirely honest, I was just hoping that Legs would show up and I’d see if we could pick up from earlier. After getting turned around a few times, I realize where it is I’m going and head into the auditorium. It’s a very nice place, and there’s a three man band playing light jazz in the background. A buffet of hors d’ouvres is lined up along the perimeter walk of the amphitheater, with everyone pressed inside mingling. I make a roundabout of the place, taking everything in. There are two drinks stations where you can get anything from Welch’s grape juice to various wines, but I pass on the drinks and food for now. My eyes are scanning for Legs.

Alas she isn’t there. I see Megan and a few people I’ve met throughout the day but her table’s crowded as it is, so I make a skip of it and head to the wall. I lean against a corner, partly because my feet are pretty tired and partly because it affords me a good view of everyone in the room. After a few minutes, I determine Legs hasn’t arrived, and am disheartened.

At this point Sarah walks across the room in front of me, and I startle. I’m looking at her back and I know for a fact it isn’t her, but it’s certainly reminiscent. Shaking it off, I start telling myself it isn’t her, and upon a second and third and fourth look determine that, it, in fact, isn’t her. Even so, I’m a bit jarred by the experience – more my reaction to the experience than the experience itself – so I decide to pack it in and call it a night. Legs hasn’t showed up yet, so I might as well just head home and save myself some trouble.

I head across the perimeter to go out of the building, when as I’m passing through the buffet line I see Legs enter hte building and jump in the line. Chuckling internally I grab a plate and slide a few places behind her. I’m not hungry so I grab a few things to nibble at. Unfortunately as I go back into the amphitheater proper, Legs disappears from view. I catch her again slightly getting a drink, but then loose her in the crowd. Disheartened and burdened with a plate of stuff to eat, I walk over to Megan’s table, which has lost popularity in my voyage.

I join into the conversation about Boston neighborhoods, where we’re living, our expectations from school, the usual. I forgot almost everyone’s names by now. People head off to mingle or head home, so I join into some of the mingling. I talk with a girl named Lindsey (I think) and a guy who’s name I didn’t catch and we talk about our respective apartments and the cost of living and our homework for tomorrow. We’re joined shortly by Krishna, one of the friendliest guys in the place that I’ve met so far. Me, Krishna, and the guy whose name I couldn’t catch continue chatting about law school after the girls left for home.

As things were dying out, Krishna asks “So what are we supposed to do now?”

“Well,” I comment, “there’s three things you can do. Number one, is find a professor and mingle. Number two, you can hit on some girls. Or number three, you can pack it in and go home.”

“I don’t really want to talk to more professors. One’s enough for now.” He replies.

So the conversation, naturally, turned to girls. The nameless guy #2 says “You know, for the school having such a high ratio of girls to guys, there’s not that many good looking women here.”

“Well,” I say, somewhat optimistically, “they’re alright. Like everything, you know, a little of this a little of that…”

“What I have seen is girls who could be cute… if they weren’t trying so hard to be ugly. Like,” he motions to a girl in a flower skirt behind me. I turn and study, she’s average height, long brown hair, not unattractive, but certainly unpolished. “Her. If she just… tried a little she’d be cute.”

“I dunno,” I say, “I think she’s cute. Just needs to clean up a bit. Maybe put on some make up.”

Krishna says something about make up. Nameless responds with the age old argument of ‘all extremes are bad’. Krishna responds with the fact he doesn’t like pale women. I laugh. As I’m about to say something about that, one of the professors walks by to see what we’re up to. I catch my sentence before I let it out.

This particular professor – Drew – had asked us to refer to her as Her Highness, or Her Empress, before, during orientation. So immediately Krishna comes up with “And how is Her Empress doing?”

We talk a bit with Professor Drew, and she eventually hovers off to find another group. We decide to head our separate ways, being either tired or busy with other things. I’m of the former persuasion. As I turn to grab my bag, I see Legs across the room sitting on a sofa talking with a bunch of people. A part of me toys with the idea of maybe sticking around, working my way in. The rest of me chuckles.

No, I decide, it’s not worth it. I’m too tired and I’ve got some reading to do. Besides, it probably wouldn’t do me any good. Halfway home, I forget about Legs, and start thinking about what I have to do for tomorrow.

So I sit here in the… well somehwere in Northeastern University campus that’s a lot like the Union back in IU except a lot smaller. And they have a Wendy’s instead of a Burger King. The Student something or other.

There are three Dunkin’ Donuts on campus – only one Starbucks, confirming my theory that there will soon be a day of reckoning. Backstreet Boys is playing on the PA. Now, I know they’re making a comeback (with a CD titled “Never Gone” or something to that effect. I mean, dude, what? Yes, you were fucking gone! You’re only together cause you’re all broke and unlaid!) But this is one of their oldies. I don’t know what the title is.

A little under 24 hours ago…

The plane’s just touched down and I’m a bit travel weary. I stand up, stretching my legs out from the flight. The backpack rests heavy on my shoulders, it’s packed to the brim with laptop, books, school and apartment information, important papers, and various knick knacks. It’s an orderly escape from the airplane into Boston Logan.

Logan’s not a big airport, by any stretch of the imagination. It’s not small, Indianapolis is – I think – smaller. So it’s not too hard for me to find my way around and get to the baggage claim. Immediately I realize this is going to be a nightmare. I look at the incoming flights board to find out where my claim area is – baggage carousel A. I see another four flights logged into the same carousel. The place is packed. Like a tribe of hungry hyenas crowding around the remnants of a lion’s dinner, they await, ready to pounce with deadly precision upon their baggage.

With a sigh, I let the people peck and fight their way. A def girl pushes her way past me and I’m about to say something about propriety, but then see her turn to the lady next to her and start signing something. I let it go, simply because I can’t be a bastard in ASL, I don’t have the proper knowledge. I decide to check my voice mail, and find a very unexpected one. I decide to wait for the hotel until I start calling people.

A half hour later I see the familiar shape of my overbloated suitcase. This is one of only two bags which contains my entire move to Boston. It’s a large black case with brown trim that looks more like a walk-in closet than a suitcase. I pull it out of the carousel, warning hte lady next to me that she should move because “mine’s gonna be heavy.” I go ignored, and as I pull big bertha out of the line, the lady jumps back, barely avoiding my missing her. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.

A few minutes later, the second bag comes through. This second bag is the one I’ve been really worried about – it’s got all of my valuables. My entire DVD collection and a tiny representative portion of my book collection are in there, as well as the bongos Amanga got me, my dice bag, and some computer equipment and games. It’s all there. I pile everything on top of everything else and head out to a line of taxis.

I get in a cab and tell the driver where to go. As we’re heading out of the airport, the driver starts to mumble something. I wonder if he’s talking to me, so I look at him, and realize very quickly that he’s just mumbling something to himself. Ok, I think, fair enough. He keeps mumbling, quite enthusiastically to himself, pointing to cars here and there motioning, directing traffic with his hands and houghts. It’s… a tad disconcerting.

We get to the hotel and I pay the cabman, leaving him a nice tip. A bellhop strides out and places my bags in a cart, then wheels them inside. I get my reservation and head up to the room, handing the bellhop the change from the cab ($3), thanking him for his trouble. I settle into my room, falling into the rock hard bed, suddenly getting vivid memories of another, much softer bed. With a harumph, I grab the cell phone to make some calls.

That done I head out to explore the city. I walk around the block, getting a feel for where I am. I decide to see how close to the school I am, so I head that way. I am about three blocks from the law school. I see a Burger King in one corner, so I decide to make it dinner. I then take a walk around that neighborhood, and find myself at the art museum. I decide that while I’m here, I might as well head up to my apartment, so I do so, visiting where I’ll be moving in in a few days. I head around and see a nearby market where I can do some small shopping and then about another block down a grocery store where I can do some actual stocking up. It starts to drizzle, so I decide to head home. I’m not really in the mood to walk in the rain. I don’t have my jacket to keep me warm.

I get home and its about two hours since I left. I get online and wonder what I’m going to do the rest of the night. I start watching television and doze off. I realize that I’m dead tired, so I put up my away message and watch some of Rome, the new HBO series. It looks pretty good. I get about halfway through when I get another unexpected phone call. I talk with Vick and Nick for an hour before I decide I have to call it quits. It’s already getting close to midnight and I have to get up at 6 the next day. Considering I didn’t sleep too much the previous night, I decide to sleep.

Seven hours later I’m walking down the street towards the law school. I see the sign that points me to where the law school registration was going on. I stand in a line while checking out a really cute upper classmate who’s helping direct. She makes a few cracks about it not being too late to flee. Undaunted, I have my picture taken, and then allow myself to be herded into a common area (called The Commons) where there is a small selection of pastries, coffee, and drinks. I grab a juice and sit with a girl named Megan.

After going through some of the pamphlet we’ve been handed, signing some papers, and writing my name down about four different times, Megan and I’ve been joined by a guy named Louis and a girl named Brianna (sp?) We talk about this and that, and Brianna goes on to try and locate her roommate. Meanwhile we’re joined by some guy whose name was never shared and by a girl named Mara. Forty five minutes later, Mara, Megan, Louis and I head over to the lecture hall where the rest of the orienteering is to take place. Louis wanders off as we sit down.

It is during the opening bits of the orientation when I learn that my phone, despite being placed on “ringer silent” will still beep if there’s a voice mail coming in. Can anyone explain to me the point of this brilliant piece of engineering?

After the formalities, there’s a 50 minute break where we again head over to the commons. Megan joins me as does Louis, and Louis, me, the nameless guy from earlier and a guy named Craig start up on what we know of the professors. Louis heads off and so does the nameless guy. A really cute girl whose name I couldn’t catch sits across from me next to Megan. But she talked too low, so I could hardly keep up with any of her side of the conversation.

The break ended and I followed Craig back to the lecture hall. I sort of wanted to follow the cute girl to see if I could learn anything else but she wasn’t standing, so I join Megan again. We’re introduced to the faculty, staff, and TAs. A half hour late we go join our TAs for lunch in our smaller… well, I don’t recall what term the SLAW uses but they’re basically discussion sections. After lunch we take a tour of campus, stop off to buy our course reading packets, and then pick up some of the course sillabi. We’re then let go until 4:30, when there will be some sort of reception.

Which brings me to now, 4:08. It was some twenty or thirty minutes ago that I started writing this. The reception is in 20 minutes. And that’s really the huge difference between IU and NEU. If this were IU, I should start heading out to the reception now, because it’ll likely take me 10 – 15 minutes to walk from one building to the next. Here, it’ll take me about 2 minutes, because everything is so bunched up together. Well, it might take me more, by virtue of the fact I’m still getting my bearings, but I can afford to wait a while and still expect to be reasonably on time.

Ah well, I’ll expound more on the ideas presented here later. In the meantime, I’m simply going to post this to the blog and then head off to the reception.

Editor’s Note: Written earlier today, posted now ’cause I’ve gotten to the hotel and have time to post.

I find it somewhat disheartening and hard-telling that it took me a little under 5 days to realize that I was acting like a selfish ass. Well, the secrets belong to those who know them, but the final result was that I understood the fact that I had to let go of the past in order to continue forward into the future.

And then it took a phone call and a dream to make me realize that not only was I acting like an ass, but that I was letting it slip into other aspects of my life, like the blog. I shouldn’t ignore it simply because I don’t want to unburden myself upon those few loyal readers. You all know me (I think, no?) to one extent or another, and to many of you it’s the only way you get to find out what’s going on in the land of me. So, like a Deus Ex Machina, the phone call came and told me – ordered me – to continue the updating.

So I will.

I write this at 30,000 miles above the surface of the earth as I fly on my way to Boston. The in flight movie was Madagascar, which was okay, but no Shrek. But with two hours left of the flight, they’ve decided to play Monster in Law, which if you haven’t seen, once is quite enough.

I’m listening to iTunes and it just popped on “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” It’s sung by Andy Hallet, from an episode of Angel (he’s the green with the horns if you know the show, Lorne.) Anyhow, I don’t know, I just like that song. Actually the whole Angel soundtrack is really good – that is if you have a need for moody pacing music. Not a lot of people do. Anyhow, find the majority of the instrumental tracks to be particularly useful mood-setters for RPGs. Almost perfect for Ravenloft, actually, which I suppose is a good thing given that I’ve always thought of Angel as fairly Ravenloftian.

I’m currently flying towards Boston, which will be my new home for the next three years. And hey if I like the city enough and get a good job offer, who knows. Maybe more. That’s the scary part isn’t it? I mean, I’ve already dealt with the fact I’m gonna be living in a strange city all, for the most part, by my lonesome. That concept is just strange. It’s one thing going to college – then you’re just excited that you’re finally going on your own, away from your parents so you don’t really thin about everything that entails. And more often than not, your first year you spend in a dorm so the experience is softened a bit.

But this is just… different. It’s a different feeling entirely. A big part of that, I think, is that a good chunk of me doesn’t really want to go. For whatever reasons, it would rather be someplace else. Whereas freshman year I just wanted out and I really didn’t care where I got out to.

But that’s not really what I’m afraid of. I mean I can still look into the future and see, to some degree or another, what I can expect for the next three years. Assuming everything goes well this semester and next, I’ll be studying the law. Hopefully make some friends, meet some new people, and get myself a good part time job so I can make some money on the side.

What scares me – a lot, actually – is what happens in three years. I’ve been through the graduating “so what now” thing, that’s how I ended up deciding to go to law school in the first place. But now, as I look into the darkened future, I can’t help but wonder… where am I going? Where will I end up?

I can only work from the data that I have. I know where I’m not going – and that’s back home. But, great, that just leaves the rest of the world. We an eliminate anything “abroad”, due to a simple factor of improbability. It is unlikely I end up somewhere outside the U.S. So what then? We’ve got 50 states to choose from… We can eliminate Florida, for that matter. It’s filled with too much family, and it would defeat the purpose of “getting out.”

So that’s down to 49.

That’s not so bad. Indiana I could return to. But is it what I want?

It’s too early to tell. We have it down to 49 states, though, so that’s a good thing. I guess I’ll go where the wind may take me. It’s what I tend to do anyhow.

There’s unspoken thoughts but, they’re unspoken for a reason. It’s the same reason you don’t tell birthday wishes or name evil things. It’s just plain old silly superstition. And I don’t know if its true thought…

Or an aberrant manifest.