I dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.
I had a dream last night. The details don’t exactly matter. There was a hotel, it was a New Year’s type celebration, beds were involved. And women. A woman, in fact – the girl in question. (The Questionable Girl?) I don’t know what the dream means, although I have some notion. (Primary extrapolation of the data suggests it surrounds my fear of intimacy and general dissatisfaction with myself physically. The two are linked. I am not proud of this, I merely state it as fact.) The meaning of the dream is secondary to my purpose here.
She was in the dream, again.
I have dreamed, and my dreams have sometimes contained women that I am interested in. I would say for any one girl that I have had a crush on, I have had on average about three such dreams. At least, that I can remember when I awaken, enough so that they have made a deep impact on my psyche.
I have dreamed of this girl perhaps a dozen times over the last few years. Such presence in my subconscious is impressively unprecedented. Every dream is vivid, making ripples in my thoughts throughout the day. The echoes of the dream accost me, accusing me. That I am unworthy. That I am not good enough. That I tried, and I failed. The echo of the dream, every echo of every dream that she has been a part of, is all that I have left, of my last vestige of baser humanity. All desire, all of my wants are tied up around the ripples of her echoes.
(Before you ask, there is no future there. Yes, she is real. Yes, I have asked.)
The girl is everything that I would have wanted. Strong. Smart. Beautiful. Sexy. In my dream she’s a goddess, a warrior, a princess. In my mind’s eye she is dancing, but I cannot approach her. She is the ur-feminine, everything that I admire made manifest. And she is unattainable. Even in my dreams, there is always something. Most of the time it is me. As last night taught me, I am simply inadequate.
But pieces in a dream that might be memory still haunt me
Though I know that you should never trust a dream